This perfectly sums up all my complicated BoyMom feelings. Gender is a construct, feminism, etc. but also…why is it always so damn loud in my house and why is hell there so much wrestling? I did the whole gender neutral nursery and toy/book shelf early on and the result was two rambunctious boys who thrive on fart jokes. I can’t wait to follow along and read your book. ❤️
"As feminists, we can’t both claim that our gender is the very source of our oppression-that it has a profound impact on our lives and prospects, our rights and identity and the expectations others place on us; and yet at the same time maintain that it is also a totally incidental and socially meaningless detail. That is either dishonest or incoherent."
Yes! Your words perfectly capture the cognitive dissonance I'm feeling as a newly minted boymom. My own lived experience has been so profoundly shaped by men (both good and bad) and I'm terrified of raising a manosphere apologist (or worse), but downplaying or denying my son's "boyness" feels disingenuous and wrong. How to thread this freaking needle?! Looking forward to reading your book!
Thanks so much! I think you’ll find a lot to relate to in there because this was and is my exact dilemma! It’s complicated and all so loaded in this crazy cultural moment. Thanks so much for reading
So glad to learn about your book, Ruth. Raising and teaching boys has become a big part of my work. I feel like your book and my upcoming book, Talk To Your Boys, will probably share some shelf space!
Pregnant with my second, a boy, and can't wait to read Boymom and think on all these questions I'm now confronting (obviously feminism is for women and daughters too, and gender is fluid, and YET)
I’m really excited to reach your book. The whole thing about gender is just a construct – but then why why are my boys so video game oriented and refused to do any arts and craft?
Yes! Looking forward to reading your book! I’m a social worker and feminist masculinity researcher focusing on adolescence-my career has been devoted to this vital topic! Very prescient time for it to release as well-kudos!
Thanks so much! Your work sounds really interesting. It’s such a complicated and fraught topic. I’m realizing how many blindspots we have about male socialization
I embraced the #boymom identity long before it was the caricature it is now simply b/c I have 4 sons, no daughters. I AM a #boymom, & for me, that's meant much the same as it has for you: realizing that these boys of mine are somehow wired differently than me & that gender impacts their lives at least as much as it impacts mine. Like you, I got to the point where I realized it doesn't really matter if it's cultural or biological or both. As I wrote in the intro to my book, Building Boys, "...after two decades of parenting boys, I've concluded that it doesn't really matter WHY many boys prefer trucks to tea parties or are more likely than their female counterparts to get in trouble in school. Practically speaking, what matters is the reality that's unfolding before us. Academic discussion of nature versus nurture were not helpful to me when my five-year-old son told me he 'hate school' or when my twelve-year-old got in trouble for misbehaving in the boys' bathroom."
I'm the mom of an only child, a young man who's now a freshman in college. We tried hard to have a second child, but it wasn't in the cards. Sometimes I wonder what my son may or may not have missed by not having siblings. Thank you for this essay, which is making me think deeply about whether I've "succeeded" in imparting my feminism to him.
This perfectly sums up all my complicated BoyMom feelings. Gender is a construct, feminism, etc. but also…why is it always so damn loud in my house and why is hell there so much wrestling? I did the whole gender neutral nursery and toy/book shelf early on and the result was two rambunctious boys who thrive on fart jokes. I can’t wait to follow along and read your book. ❤️
Thanks so much- yeah there is so much wrapped up in it in terms of our own identity. It’s all so complicated! Thanks so much for reading!
"As feminists, we can’t both claim that our gender is the very source of our oppression-that it has a profound impact on our lives and prospects, our rights and identity and the expectations others place on us; and yet at the same time maintain that it is also a totally incidental and socially meaningless detail. That is either dishonest or incoherent."
Yes! Your words perfectly capture the cognitive dissonance I'm feeling as a newly minted boymom. My own lived experience has been so profoundly shaped by men (both good and bad) and I'm terrified of raising a manosphere apologist (or worse), but downplaying or denying my son's "boyness" feels disingenuous and wrong. How to thread this freaking needle?! Looking forward to reading your book!
Thanks so much! I think you’ll find a lot to relate to in there because this was and is my exact dilemma! It’s complicated and all so loaded in this crazy cultural moment. Thanks so much for reading
I have two boys and am definitely Feminist Mom. In really related to this piece, and am excited to read the book!
thank you so much! I really appreciate it and It's a relief to hear that others relate!
So glad to learn about your book, Ruth. Raising and teaching boys has become a big part of my work. I feel like your book and my upcoming book, Talk To Your Boys, will probably share some shelf space!
Thank you! And yes, definitely! Great to hear about yours too- I can't wait to read it.
Pregnant with my second, a boy, and can't wait to read Boymom and think on all these questions I'm now confronting (obviously feminism is for women and daughters too, and gender is fluid, and YET)
oh wow! What wonderful news! Huge congratulations! It's a wild ride, however they turn out!
I’m really excited to reach your book. The whole thing about gender is just a construct – but then why why are my boys so video game oriented and refused to do any arts and craft?
Yes! Looking forward to reading your book! I’m a social worker and feminist masculinity researcher focusing on adolescence-my career has been devoted to this vital topic! Very prescient time for it to release as well-kudos!
Thanks so much! Your work sounds really interesting. It’s such a complicated and fraught topic. I’m realizing how many blindspots we have about male socialization
I embraced the #boymom identity long before it was the caricature it is now simply b/c I have 4 sons, no daughters. I AM a #boymom, & for me, that's meant much the same as it has for you: realizing that these boys of mine are somehow wired differently than me & that gender impacts their lives at least as much as it impacts mine. Like you, I got to the point where I realized it doesn't really matter if it's cultural or biological or both. As I wrote in the intro to my book, Building Boys, "...after two decades of parenting boys, I've concluded that it doesn't really matter WHY many boys prefer trucks to tea parties or are more likely than their female counterparts to get in trouble in school. Practically speaking, what matters is the reality that's unfolding before us. Academic discussion of nature versus nurture were not helpful to me when my five-year-old son told me he 'hate school' or when my twelve-year-old got in trouble for misbehaving in the boys' bathroom."
So interesting. And yes- i mostly gave up on that line of enquiry too. Can't wait to discuss all this with you on the podcast!
I opened your book today too & can't wait to dig in
“good-naturedly bested by Y chromosomes.” Perfection!
Ah thanks so much!
I wanted to pull out a few choice quotes that I especially related to, but there are just too many! As a mom of a tween boy, I also wrote about this (MUCH less eloquently!): https://nikkisummer.substack.com/p/how-to-raise-a-feminist-son-in-a
Can't wait to read this book -- so important for this moment we are in.
Ah thank you so much! Just read your essay too (and subscribed) and relate to so much. I think there are a lot of us! Great to be connected on here!
Oh thank you so much! And yes, great to be connected! 💗
Shame about the 'Razing the Patriarchy' pun. That sounds like it needs to be on the cover somewhere, even if it's not the official title.
I was attached to it too but sadly no! X
I'm the mom of an only child, a young man who's now a freshman in college. We tried hard to have a second child, but it wasn't in the cards. Sometimes I wonder what my son may or may not have missed by not having siblings. Thank you for this essay, which is making me think deeply about whether I've "succeeded" in imparting my feminism to him.
completelybowled over! Can't wait to read.