This perfectly sums up all my complicated BoyMom feelings. Gender is a construct, feminism, etc. but also…why is it always so damn loud in my house and why is hell there so much wrestling? I did the whole gender neutral nursery and toy/book shelf early on and the result was two rambunctious boys who thrive on fart jokes. I can’t wait to follow along and read your book. ❤️
"As feminists, we can’t both claim that our gender is the very source of our oppression-that it has a profound impact on our lives and prospects, our rights and identity and the expectations others place on us; and yet at the same time maintain that it is also a totally incidental and socially meaningless detail. That is either dishonest or incoherent."
Yes! Your words perfectly capture the cognitive dissonance I'm feeling as a newly minted boymom. My own lived experience has been so profoundly shaped by men (both good and bad) and I'm terrified of raising a manosphere apologist (or worse), but downplaying or denying my son's "boyness" feels disingenuous and wrong. How to thread this freaking needle?! Looking forward to reading your book!
Thanks so much! I think you’ll find a lot to relate to in there because this was and is my exact dilemma! It’s complicated and all so loaded in this crazy cultural moment. Thanks so much for reading
I embraced the #boymom identity long before it was the caricature it is now simply b/c I have 4 sons, no daughters. I AM a #boymom, & for me, that's meant much the same as it has for you: realizing that these boys of mine are somehow wired differently than me & that gender impacts their lives at least as much as it impacts mine. Like you, I got to the point where I realized it doesn't really matter if it's cultural or biological or both. As I wrote in the intro to my book, Building Boys, "...after two decades of parenting boys, I've concluded that it doesn't really matter WHY many boys prefer trucks to tea parties or are more likely than their female counterparts to get in trouble in school. Practically speaking, what matters is the reality that's unfolding before us. Academic discussion of nature versus nurture were not helpful to me when my five-year-old son told me he 'hate school' or when my twelve-year-old got in trouble for misbehaving in the boys' bathroom."
So glad to learn about your book, Ruth. Raising and teaching boys has become a big part of my work. I feel like your book and my upcoming book, Talk To Your Boys, will probably share some shelf space!
Pregnant with my second, a boy, and can't wait to read Boymom and think on all these questions I'm now confronting (obviously feminism is for women and daughters too, and gender is fluid, and YET)
Your piece in the NY Times resonated so much with my experience as a pediatrician (who went to a women's college and was raised by a single mom) and mom to three boys (9,13, and 16). Again and again, I witness the journey of women who start out with "gender is a construct" only to be shocked at how noisy and chaotic it can be raising boys vs girls. Or moms who first had a girl who loved school and had perfect handwriting and wanted to be a teacher when she grew up, and then realized that elementary schools just aren't always designed with active boys in mind. I mean, I was that mom. I tried so hard to get my sons to color and paint and cook and play with dolls, but they wanted to turn everything into a gun and knock down things and only had an outside voice (this was with a max of 15-30 min of PBS kids per day). I spent the first 5 years as a parent feeling that I must be parenting wrong because he wouldn't sit still and color while at a restaurant (heck - other parents, usually of girls, told me I must be doing it wrong).
Now that my boys are teens, I'm watching as they navigate their journey into adulthood in a world that often tells them, as you said in the NY Times piece, that they're not in touch with their emotions enough AND that their emotions don't matter because of their privilege as white boys. That kind of messaging leaves my 16yo saying "why should I like girls who are feminists if they tell me my feelings don't matter?" To which I respond "but I'm a feminist and I care about your feelings..." It's a tough landscape, and I feel like so many forces make it even harder to raise our boys to be kind, connected, compassionate, and successful enough to pay their bills
I have so many thoughts on all of this, and it's just fascinating as a pediatrician to watch other moms go through this journey too.
I'm so excited to read your book, and I'm grateful that someone way more articulate than me was able to present a cohesive message on this topic.
ah thank you so much. I'm so glad it resonated with you. This all captures my own experience so well too! it's a really complicated thing to navigate as a mom and a feminist. I hope you enjoy the book and thanks so much!
I’m really excited to reach your book. The whole thing about gender is just a construct – but then why why are my boys so video game oriented and refused to do any arts and craft?
Yes! Looking forward to reading your book! I’m a social worker and feminist masculinity researcher focusing on adolescence-my career has been devoted to this vital topic! Very prescient time for it to release as well-kudos!
Thanks so much! Your work sounds really interesting. It’s such a complicated and fraught topic. I’m realizing how many blindspots we have about male socialization
I'm the mom of an only child, a young man who's now a freshman in college. We tried hard to have a second child, but it wasn't in the cards. Sometimes I wonder what my son may or may not have missed by not having siblings. Thank you for this essay, which is making me think deeply about whether I've "succeeded" in imparting my feminism to him.
Your piece in the NY Times resonated so much with my experience as a pediatrician (who went to a women's college and was raised by a single mom) and mom to three boys (9,13, and 16). Again and again, I witness the journey of women who start out with "gender is a construct" only to be shocked at how noisy and chaotic it can be raising boys vs girls. Or moms who first had a girl who loved school and had perfect handwriting and wanted to be a teacher when she grew up, and then realized that elementary schools just aren't always designed with active boys in mind. I mean, I was that mom. I tried so hard to get my sons to color and paint and cook and play with dolls, but they wanted to turn everything into a gun and knock down things and only had an outside voice (this was with a max of 15-30 min of PBS kids per day). I spent the first 5 years as a parent feeling that I must be parenting wrong because he wouldn't sit still and color while at a restaurant (heck - other parents, usually of girls, told me I must be doing it wrong).
Now that my boys are teens, I'm watching as they navigate their journey into adulthood in a world that often tells them, as you said in the NY Times piece, that they're not in touch with their emotions enough AND that their emotions don't matter because of their privilege as white boys. That kind of messaging leaves my 16yo saying "why should I like girls who are feminists if they tell me my feelings don't matter?" To which I respond "but I'm a feminist and I care about your feelings..." It's a tough landscape, and I feel like so many forces make it even harder to raise our boys to be kind, connected, compassionate, and successful enough to pay their bills
I have so many thoughts on all of this, and it's just fascinating as a pediatrician to watch other moms go through this journey too.
I'm so excited to read your book, and I'm grateful that someone way more articulate than me was able to present a cohesive message on this topic.
I love this post so much and can’t wait to read your book. I am also a feminist and mother of three boys trying to figure out how to raise them in a way that will not trap them into so many of the harmful attitudes and mindsets I’ve seen my husband wrestle with. I’m a big believer that so much of it has to do with our workplace culture and that dual income families are really just set up to fail, and both men and women suffer in these way outdated social structures. Looking forward to going back and reading the rest of your Substack as well, thanks for writing!
This perfectly sums up all my complicated BoyMom feelings. Gender is a construct, feminism, etc. but also…why is it always so damn loud in my house and why is hell there so much wrestling? I did the whole gender neutral nursery and toy/book shelf early on and the result was two rambunctious boys who thrive on fart jokes. I can’t wait to follow along and read your book. ❤️
Thanks so much- yeah there is so much wrapped up in it in terms of our own identity. It’s all so complicated! Thanks so much for reading!
"As feminists, we can’t both claim that our gender is the very source of our oppression-that it has a profound impact on our lives and prospects, our rights and identity and the expectations others place on us; and yet at the same time maintain that it is also a totally incidental and socially meaningless detail. That is either dishonest or incoherent."
Yes! Your words perfectly capture the cognitive dissonance I'm feeling as a newly minted boymom. My own lived experience has been so profoundly shaped by men (both good and bad) and I'm terrified of raising a manosphere apologist (or worse), but downplaying or denying my son's "boyness" feels disingenuous and wrong. How to thread this freaking needle?! Looking forward to reading your book!
Thanks so much! I think you’ll find a lot to relate to in there because this was and is my exact dilemma! It’s complicated and all so loaded in this crazy cultural moment. Thanks so much for reading
I embraced the #boymom identity long before it was the caricature it is now simply b/c I have 4 sons, no daughters. I AM a #boymom, & for me, that's meant much the same as it has for you: realizing that these boys of mine are somehow wired differently than me & that gender impacts their lives at least as much as it impacts mine. Like you, I got to the point where I realized it doesn't really matter if it's cultural or biological or both. As I wrote in the intro to my book, Building Boys, "...after two decades of parenting boys, I've concluded that it doesn't really matter WHY many boys prefer trucks to tea parties or are more likely than their female counterparts to get in trouble in school. Practically speaking, what matters is the reality that's unfolding before us. Academic discussion of nature versus nurture were not helpful to me when my five-year-old son told me he 'hate school' or when my twelve-year-old got in trouble for misbehaving in the boys' bathroom."
So interesting. And yes- i mostly gave up on that line of enquiry too. Can't wait to discuss all this with you on the podcast!
I opened your book today too & can't wait to dig in
I have two boys and am definitely Feminist Mom. In really related to this piece, and am excited to read the book!
thank you so much! I really appreciate it and It's a relief to hear that others relate!
So glad to learn about your book, Ruth. Raising and teaching boys has become a big part of my work. I feel like your book and my upcoming book, Talk To Your Boys, will probably share some shelf space!
Thank you! And yes, definitely! Great to hear about yours too- I can't wait to read it.
Pregnant with my second, a boy, and can't wait to read Boymom and think on all these questions I'm now confronting (obviously feminism is for women and daughters too, and gender is fluid, and YET)
oh wow! What wonderful news! Huge congratulations! It's a wild ride, however they turn out!
Your piece in the NY Times resonated so much with my experience as a pediatrician (who went to a women's college and was raised by a single mom) and mom to three boys (9,13, and 16). Again and again, I witness the journey of women who start out with "gender is a construct" only to be shocked at how noisy and chaotic it can be raising boys vs girls. Or moms who first had a girl who loved school and had perfect handwriting and wanted to be a teacher when she grew up, and then realized that elementary schools just aren't always designed with active boys in mind. I mean, I was that mom. I tried so hard to get my sons to color and paint and cook and play with dolls, but they wanted to turn everything into a gun and knock down things and only had an outside voice (this was with a max of 15-30 min of PBS kids per day). I spent the first 5 years as a parent feeling that I must be parenting wrong because he wouldn't sit still and color while at a restaurant (heck - other parents, usually of girls, told me I must be doing it wrong).
Now that my boys are teens, I'm watching as they navigate their journey into adulthood in a world that often tells them, as you said in the NY Times piece, that they're not in touch with their emotions enough AND that their emotions don't matter because of their privilege as white boys. That kind of messaging leaves my 16yo saying "why should I like girls who are feminists if they tell me my feelings don't matter?" To which I respond "but I'm a feminist and I care about your feelings..." It's a tough landscape, and I feel like so many forces make it even harder to raise our boys to be kind, connected, compassionate, and successful enough to pay their bills
I have so many thoughts on all of this, and it's just fascinating as a pediatrician to watch other moms go through this journey too.
I'm so excited to read your book, and I'm grateful that someone way more articulate than me was able to present a cohesive message on this topic.
ah thank you so much. I'm so glad it resonated with you. This all captures my own experience so well too! it's a really complicated thing to navigate as a mom and a feminist. I hope you enjoy the book and thanks so much!
I’m really excited to reach your book. The whole thing about gender is just a construct – but then why why are my boys so video game oriented and refused to do any arts and craft?
Yes! Looking forward to reading your book! I’m a social worker and feminist masculinity researcher focusing on adolescence-my career has been devoted to this vital topic! Very prescient time for it to release as well-kudos!
Thanks so much! Your work sounds really interesting. It’s such a complicated and fraught topic. I’m realizing how many blindspots we have about male socialization
“good-naturedly bested by Y chromosomes.” Perfection!
Ah thanks so much!
I wanted to pull out a few choice quotes that I especially related to, but there are just too many! As a mom of a tween boy, I also wrote about this (MUCH less eloquently!): https://nikkisummer.substack.com/p/how-to-raise-a-feminist-son-in-a
Can't wait to read this book -- so important for this moment we are in.
Ah thank you so much! Just read your essay too (and subscribed) and relate to so much. I think there are a lot of us! Great to be connected on here!
Oh thank you so much! And yes, great to be connected! 💗
Shame about the 'Razing the Patriarchy' pun. That sounds like it needs to be on the cover somewhere, even if it's not the official title.
I was attached to it too but sadly no! X
I'm the mom of an only child, a young man who's now a freshman in college. We tried hard to have a second child, but it wasn't in the cards. Sometimes I wonder what my son may or may not have missed by not having siblings. Thank you for this essay, which is making me think deeply about whether I've "succeeded" in imparting my feminism to him.
completelybowled over! Can't wait to read.
Your piece in the NY Times resonated so much with my experience as a pediatrician (who went to a women's college and was raised by a single mom) and mom to three boys (9,13, and 16). Again and again, I witness the journey of women who start out with "gender is a construct" only to be shocked at how noisy and chaotic it can be raising boys vs girls. Or moms who first had a girl who loved school and had perfect handwriting and wanted to be a teacher when she grew up, and then realized that elementary schools just aren't always designed with active boys in mind. I mean, I was that mom. I tried so hard to get my sons to color and paint and cook and play with dolls, but they wanted to turn everything into a gun and knock down things and only had an outside voice (this was with a max of 15-30 min of PBS kids per day). I spent the first 5 years as a parent feeling that I must be parenting wrong because he wouldn't sit still and color while at a restaurant (heck - other parents, usually of girls, told me I must be doing it wrong).
Now that my boys are teens, I'm watching as they navigate their journey into adulthood in a world that often tells them, as you said in the NY Times piece, that they're not in touch with their emotions enough AND that their emotions don't matter because of their privilege as white boys. That kind of messaging leaves my 16yo saying "why should I like girls who are feminists if they tell me my feelings don't matter?" To which I respond "but I'm a feminist and I care about your feelings..." It's a tough landscape, and I feel like so many forces make it even harder to raise our boys to be kind, connected, compassionate, and successful enough to pay their bills
I have so many thoughts on all of this, and it's just fascinating as a pediatrician to watch other moms go through this journey too.
I'm so excited to read your book, and I'm grateful that someone way more articulate than me was able to present a cohesive message on this topic.
I love this post so much and can’t wait to read your book. I am also a feminist and mother of three boys trying to figure out how to raise them in a way that will not trap them into so many of the harmful attitudes and mindsets I’ve seen my husband wrestle with. I’m a big believer that so much of it has to do with our workplace culture and that dual income families are really just set up to fail, and both men and women suffer in these way outdated social structures. Looking forward to going back and reading the rest of your Substack as well, thanks for writing!