This breaks my heart: "And for the most part, boys have little support in this. There is generally no crew of friends cheering boys on in the background, helping them decipher the subtexts, propping them up in their pursuit of utter detachment. The performance of masculinity is a solo endeavor. They have to go it alone."
As the mother of two boys I think about this SO much, and these themes even made it into my first novel which comes out later this spring. Boys often seem stranded out on the emotional tundra, especially as they move into the tween and teen years and are learning how to have relationships outside their families. I can't wait for your book.
Thank you so much Caitlin. I agree- boys really are just socialized into loneliness in so many complex and invisible ways. I was really surprised at how much that theme kept coming up when I was doing the research/ interviews for BOYMOM. Your novel sounds great. Will order!
“And for the most part, boys have little support in this. There is generally no crew of friends cheering boys on in the background, helping them decipher the subtexts, propping them up in their pursuit of utter detachment. The performance of masculinity is a solo endeavor. They have to go it alone.” Brilliant! I spent far too many years mired in this. So glad to have moved on and beyond.
There is a Panglossian and a Voltairean way to express the response that comes to mind.
The Panglossian way to put it is that the convention of expecting all that stoicism from men (however patriarchal, artificial, grim) is better than the alternatives. If you find him more attractive for not splitting the bill, you'll prefer this setup. Best deal with the side effects and excesses rather than changing it root and branch.
The Voltairean way to put it is that he has plenty of interiority. But that's between him and Lisa.
When my wife and I first started dating—my first time dating a woman, her first time dating a woman openly—not having to pretend to not want to see each other was revolutionary. At the end of dates, we’d say things like, “I don’t want to leave you,” and the other would say, “me either,” and so we just… wouldn’t. We’d keep driving or get another drink or see another movie or stay the night. It was like how when you’re a kid, you think, “ugh! I can’t wait until I’m a grown up and can stay up as late as I want and eat ice cream for dinner!” But that transition to adulthood happens too gradually to ever really revel in the freedom. This wasn’t gradual; this was sudden permission to admit to feeling everything, especially joy, and it was so obvious and radical and freeing. And even though sexually I identify as bi/queer, I would NEVER go back to trying (and usually failing) to perform indifference. Mutual admission of desire is just too fun and fulfilling.
Aaahh! I do a big BOYMOM shout out in my next post (dropping Wed) and just read this — of course, of COURSE, my post is ultimately about caring as power. An unlearning of all this heartbreaking socialized blasé.
Tinder is 76% male. It’s about the same at Bumble, Hinge, etc.
Ashley Madison was essentially 100% male.
Who is chasing whom?
It’s not both sides. One side is chasing, can’t get laid, and then watches Andrew Rape’s Hustler University TikToks because they feel entitled to women’s time.
Yes some really horrifying dynamics come out of all this. Men "chasing" women can have very different implications rom the other way round. And young boys get shockingly little education in relationships or models to see themselves as fully relational beings.
This breaks my heart: "And for the most part, boys have little support in this. There is generally no crew of friends cheering boys on in the background, helping them decipher the subtexts, propping them up in their pursuit of utter detachment. The performance of masculinity is a solo endeavor. They have to go it alone."
As the mother of two boys I think about this SO much, and these themes even made it into my first novel which comes out later this spring. Boys often seem stranded out on the emotional tundra, especially as they move into the tween and teen years and are learning how to have relationships outside their families. I can't wait for your book.
Thank you so much Caitlin. I agree- boys really are just socialized into loneliness in so many complex and invisible ways. I was really surprised at how much that theme kept coming up when I was doing the research/ interviews for BOYMOM. Your novel sounds great. Will order!
“And for the most part, boys have little support in this. There is generally no crew of friends cheering boys on in the background, helping them decipher the subtexts, propping them up in their pursuit of utter detachment. The performance of masculinity is a solo endeavor. They have to go it alone.” Brilliant! I spent far too many years mired in this. So glad to have moved on and beyond.
Thank you Steve
There is a Panglossian and a Voltairean way to express the response that comes to mind.
The Panglossian way to put it is that the convention of expecting all that stoicism from men (however patriarchal, artificial, grim) is better than the alternatives. If you find him more attractive for not splitting the bill, you'll prefer this setup. Best deal with the side effects and excesses rather than changing it root and branch.
The Voltairean way to put it is that he has plenty of interiority. But that's between him and Lisa.
When my wife and I first started dating—my first time dating a woman, her first time dating a woman openly—not having to pretend to not want to see each other was revolutionary. At the end of dates, we’d say things like, “I don’t want to leave you,” and the other would say, “me either,” and so we just… wouldn’t. We’d keep driving or get another drink or see another movie or stay the night. It was like how when you’re a kid, you think, “ugh! I can’t wait until I’m a grown up and can stay up as late as I want and eat ice cream for dinner!” But that transition to adulthood happens too gradually to ever really revel in the freedom. This wasn’t gradual; this was sudden permission to admit to feeling everything, especially joy, and it was so obvious and radical and freeing. And even though sexually I identify as bi/queer, I would NEVER go back to trying (and usually failing) to perform indifference. Mutual admission of desire is just too fun and fulfilling.
Tl;dr? Date women if at all possible. 😘
Oh wow this is so so lovely!
Aaahh! I do a big BOYMOM shout out in my next post (dropping Wed) and just read this — of course, of COURSE, my post is ultimately about caring as power. An unlearning of all this heartbreaking socialized blasé.
Oh wow! Thank you! I can’t wait to read your take on it Samara. I’m sure it will be brilliant!
Tinder is 76% male. It’s about the same at Bumble, Hinge, etc.
Ashley Madison was essentially 100% male.
Who is chasing whom?
It’s not both sides. One side is chasing, can’t get laid, and then watches Andrew Rape’s Hustler University TikToks because they feel entitled to women’s time.
Yes some really horrifying dynamics come out of all this. Men "chasing" women can have very different implications rom the other way round. And young boys get shockingly little education in relationships or models to see themselves as fully relational beings.
Hermeneutic labor!!! So perfect.
I read these shorties in awe as they always rock my socks off! Sitting here with barefoot and thinking hard!