I’ve never written a Substack comment before — I’m a lurker — but after reading this, I feel compelled to say thank you, Ruth. Not just for writing the book, which is on my shelf and informs my parenting of my toddler son each day, but for weathering the absolute and appalling bullsh*t described in this post and refusing to back down in its face. You are doing some of the most important work of our time. Just … thank you.
Agreed. This book joins the ranks of the most influential work I've ever read when it comes to parenting my preschool and school-aged sons. And it's the only parenting-related book my husband has EVER read (usually he just gets the cliffnotes version from me). In addition to informing his parenting, it also helped contextualize and validate a lot of what he experiences as a man who grew up in our culture. And because he ACTUALLY engaged with the book, this misogynistic backlash totally perplexes him, as it's at odds with a book that vehemently argues for a culture that does BETTER for and by boys.
I vaguely recall unsubscribing from Matt T’s newsletter quite some time ago and since then not giving him the space in my consciousness. Sounds like I made a good decision. Thanks for your work.
Aha! So the snatching up of your New York Times piece by the right wing is what led my first troll to my little substack, my review of your book. It's all coming together now.
Wear this disdain and distortion by the right wing as a badge of pride. It shows that what you're doing is gaining traction, and that scares the sh*t out of these people. You are doing good work, and that's something thoughtful, decent human beings of any gender can see.
I didn't face anything like what you've had to deal with. I used to work in feminist media so my skin against this kind of vitriol has been thickened a bit. Another reader of my blog has attempted to engage thoughtfully with the troll, but I'm staying out of it. I'm raising two kids and trying to pursue some of my own career ambitions -- I'm not wasting one ounce of my energy on trolls.
I have to admit to paying for his Substack solely for the purpose of hate-reading him and tearing him apart on my own newsletter. His work is so steeped in misogyny that he cannot discuss, say, military policy with making a swipe at how ‘feminized’ everything is. I want to make sure that as much of the world outside his bubble knows what a creep he is that it’s worth the $5 a month for me.
"He then went on to conclude proudly, that decades of feminism have not “caused men to back away even slightly from viewing women purely as sex objects.” Well, speak for yourself Matt. I thought I was supposed to be the man-hating c*nt around here, and even I don’t have such a dim view of your gender. My life is full of great men who see women as actual human beings."
I am so sorry (and furious) about the completely unacceptable attacks you’re facing for writing a book. None of this is ok. It’s not something anyone, of any gender, should be turning a blind eye to. Just because it’s online doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. I can only imagine the resilience you’re having to find right now, and on the motherhood front, can totally understand why that bit cuts deepest. That’s a personal attack not just on you, and as mother bears lone behold anyone who suggests harm to our kids.
On the positive… riled them though hasn’t it!? Touched a nerve. You only get flustered when you feel threatened. This book has pushed ALL the right buttons and (I’m not quite finished it) I’m so grateful to you for writing it. For every loud misogynist trying to shut you down there are three quiet boy mums cheering you on and changing lives. Please remember that. And thank you again x
I’m so sorry that’s happened to you. I’m also baffled that a book which repeatedly sets out the challenges and disadvantages that boys face would come under this kind of attack from a bunch of people who are angry with feminism. It makes no sense! Why didn’t he read the fcuking thing? And seeing as he clearly hasn’t read it, WHY BOTHER ATTACKING IT? I’m really fcuking angry but I guess that’s because I’m a man and it’s the only emotion I know. 😂
ha! thanks so much for this lovely message. I totally agree- it is so weird, truly, but I think just illustrates why books like these are necessary! Look forward to seeing you at the group.
Taibbi's exposure of his sexism broke his brain and he's become nothing more than a right wing troll at this point. I'm sorry you have had to deal with him.
I am embarrassed to say I was a fan of many of Matt's articles years ago when he was writing for Rolling Stone. But as the years went by, I became less and less of a fan. And reading this has shed even more light on what he has become (or maybe what he has always been). I really want to read your book (just ordered it). I have a 17-year old son and have raised him to be the kind of man that Matt Taibbi would probably hate, which I think is a very good thing. And I really wish I could have joined the discussion, today. Thanks for writing this piece!
It’s amazing that, in midlife, Matt Taibi reads like a sixteen-year-old boy who not only hasn’t finished puberty, but got beat up on the playground last year and is the chief puer auternus forever in an unending quest to win the recognition of his boyhood, schoolyard peers. He’s the living embodiment of “who hurt you?”
Excellent piece. This is incredibly good, beyond words. An unexpected part jumped out at me, arguably what others will say was the least impactful part of an extremely emotionally resonant and sensibly-written article:
“Back then, and still, to some extent now, the ‘humorless feminist’ ruse casts any woman who objects to the sexism as an unattractive scold who can’t take a joke. The conceit is essentially unfalsifiable- the more a woman objects or fights back, the more she proves their point.”
It’s tragic that this kind of discourse, using this “closed-system” argument, has become so unbelievably common and it’s a sure sign of bad-faith chest-beating of someone weaponizing dishonest manipulation to try to establish dominance. It’s much like when someone is religious and tells you that you’re under the sway of the Devil, lost and going to Hell—the more you protest and say that you’re not, the more they take that as a sign that you are, in fact, under the Devil’s sway. “You’re so swayed you can’t even see how swayed you are.” A classic Kafka trap exposing that the discussion has nothing to do with facts or any attempt to reach a mutual understanding, but mere character assassination in the name of naked, unadulterated, interpersonal power-lust.
ah thank you so much for these lovely words. Yeah "closed system argument" is a great name for it. And it really is maddening and so bad for our culture generally.
I’ve never written a Substack comment before — I’m a lurker — but after reading this, I feel compelled to say thank you, Ruth. Not just for writing the book, which is on my shelf and informs my parenting of my toddler son each day, but for weathering the absolute and appalling bullsh*t described in this post and refusing to back down in its face. You are doing some of the most important work of our time. Just … thank you.
wow this is so so lovely- thank you, truly.
Agreed. This book joins the ranks of the most influential work I've ever read when it comes to parenting my preschool and school-aged sons. And it's the only parenting-related book my husband has EVER read (usually he just gets the cliffnotes version from me). In addition to informing his parenting, it also helped contextualize and validate a lot of what he experiences as a man who grew up in our culture. And because he ACTUALLY engaged with the book, this misogynistic backlash totally perplexes him, as it's at odds with a book that vehemently argues for a culture that does BETTER for and by boys.
this means so much i can't tell you- thank you.
I vaguely recall unsubscribing from Matt T’s newsletter quite some time ago and since then not giving him the space in my consciousness. Sounds like I made a good decision. Thanks for your work.
Aha! So the snatching up of your New York Times piece by the right wing is what led my first troll to my little substack, my review of your book. It's all coming together now.
Wear this disdain and distortion by the right wing as a badge of pride. It shows that what you're doing is gaining traction, and that scares the sh*t out of these people. You are doing good work, and that's something thoughtful, decent human beings of any gender can see.
oh no!! so sorry they came for you too, and thank you for these kind words!
I didn't face anything like what you've had to deal with. I used to work in feminist media so my skin against this kind of vitriol has been thickened a bit. Another reader of my blog has attempted to engage thoughtfully with the troll, but I'm staying out of it. I'm raising two kids and trying to pursue some of my own career ambitions -- I'm not wasting one ounce of my energy on trolls.
This guy took 50,000 words to say "the finance industry is bad" and somehow he's turned that genius observation into a "journalistic" career.
Anyone who reads Taibbi is a piece of shit. Taibbi himself is SO much worse than that.
I have to admit to paying for his Substack solely for the purpose of hate-reading him and tearing him apart on my own newsletter. His work is so steeped in misogyny that he cannot discuss, say, military policy with making a swipe at how ‘feminized’ everything is. I want to make sure that as much of the world outside his bubble knows what a creep he is that it’s worth the $5 a month for me.
ugh the feminized thing is so gross. It really is depressing. Thanks for fighting the good fight!
I’m really sorry this happened to you, and enraged by it.
thank you so much
"He then went on to conclude proudly, that decades of feminism have not “caused men to back away even slightly from viewing women purely as sex objects.” Well, speak for yourself Matt. I thought I was supposed to be the man-hating c*nt around here, and even I don’t have such a dim view of your gender. My life is full of great men who see women as actual human beings."
^^ ugh and well done <3
Aw thanks Janet. And yes ugh sums it up!
I am so sorry (and furious) about the completely unacceptable attacks you’re facing for writing a book. None of this is ok. It’s not something anyone, of any gender, should be turning a blind eye to. Just because it’s online doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. I can only imagine the resilience you’re having to find right now, and on the motherhood front, can totally understand why that bit cuts deepest. That’s a personal attack not just on you, and as mother bears lone behold anyone who suggests harm to our kids.
On the positive… riled them though hasn’t it!? Touched a nerve. You only get flustered when you feel threatened. This book has pushed ALL the right buttons and (I’m not quite finished it) I’m so grateful to you for writing it. For every loud misogynist trying to shut you down there are three quiet boy mums cheering you on and changing lives. Please remember that. And thank you again x
thank you so much. And yes it’s just so much worse to be attacked as a mother than as ugly or any of the other things. Truly appreciate the support.
The fact that you got under the skin of that smug hack makes me want to read your book, so there's that.
ah thank you so much! i hope you enjoy it!
I’m so sorry that’s happened to you. I’m also baffled that a book which repeatedly sets out the challenges and disadvantages that boys face would come under this kind of attack from a bunch of people who are angry with feminism. It makes no sense! Why didn’t he read the fcuking thing? And seeing as he clearly hasn’t read it, WHY BOTHER ATTACKING IT? I’m really fcuking angry but I guess that’s because I’m a man and it’s the only emotion I know. 😂
ha! thanks so much for this lovely message. I totally agree- it is so weird, truly, but I think just illustrates why books like these are necessary! Look forward to seeing you at the group.
Taibbi's exposure of his sexism broke his brain and he's become nothing more than a right wing troll at this point. I'm sorry you have had to deal with him.
thanks so much. it’s really sad- I guess he’s making a lot of money out of pandering to the right.
I am embarrassed to say I was a fan of many of Matt's articles years ago when he was writing for Rolling Stone. But as the years went by, I became less and less of a fan. And reading this has shed even more light on what he has become (or maybe what he has always been). I really want to read your book (just ordered it). I have a 17-year old son and have raised him to be the kind of man that Matt Taibbi would probably hate, which I think is a very good thing. And I really wish I could have joined the discussion, today. Thanks for writing this piece!
thanks so much. Sounds like your son is great. Hopefully we will do another discussion group so hopefully you can join next time!
It’s amazing that, in midlife, Matt Taibi reads like a sixteen-year-old boy who not only hasn’t finished puberty, but got beat up on the playground last year and is the chief puer auternus forever in an unending quest to win the recognition of his boyhood, schoolyard peers. He’s the living embodiment of “who hurt you?”
Excellent piece. This is incredibly good, beyond words. An unexpected part jumped out at me, arguably what others will say was the least impactful part of an extremely emotionally resonant and sensibly-written article:
“Back then, and still, to some extent now, the ‘humorless feminist’ ruse casts any woman who objects to the sexism as an unattractive scold who can’t take a joke. The conceit is essentially unfalsifiable- the more a woman objects or fights back, the more she proves their point.”
It’s tragic that this kind of discourse, using this “closed-system” argument, has become so unbelievably common and it’s a sure sign of bad-faith chest-beating of someone weaponizing dishonest manipulation to try to establish dominance. It’s much like when someone is religious and tells you that you’re under the sway of the Devil, lost and going to Hell—the more you protest and say that you’re not, the more they take that as a sign that you are, in fact, under the Devil’s sway. “You’re so swayed you can’t even see how swayed you are.” A classic Kafka trap exposing that the discussion has nothing to do with facts or any attempt to reach a mutual understanding, but mere character assassination in the name of naked, unadulterated, interpersonal power-lust.
ah thank you so much for these lovely words. Yeah "closed system argument" is a great name for it. And it really is maddening and so bad for our culture generally.
Honestly, you seem to be taking this whole bonkers mess really well, though. I hope you are, anyway.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, I’m not surprised. You’re making the world better, Ruth. Stay true to that. 💕
Also, “Frankensteinian editing fuckery” is my new band name. 😏
haha I’ll come to your gigs! and thank you xxx
So sorry you're weathering this Ruth, and so grateful these powerful ideas are out in the world.
thank you Courtney!
I’d like to come tomorrow! 🙋🏼♀️
Glad you can be there!
Sorry if I missed it- but where is the zoom link?
I will send it just before when I have final numbers. Thanks so much