Catching up

NYT piece, masculinity discussion group, upcoming events and more

(Artwork by Tomi Um for the New York Times)

Hello,

I apologize for my absence (although this feels like a weird kind of vanity to say this does anyone even notice anyone’s absence on Substack? Let alone mine!) Anyway- things have been pretty hectic and I haven’t had a chance to write here much. A new essay coming here soon. But in the meantime, I wanted to let you know about a few upcoming events, a new piece I have up at the New York Times today, and details of the masculinity discussion group that I promised you in my last newsletter.

EVENTS

Tonight! October 8th, in Berkeley, CA at the First Congregational Church on Channing Way, 7pm, in conversation with Robert Smith, Head of School for the East Bay Boys’ School (soon to be East Bay School)

then:

October 16th- 10am/1pm ET/ 6pm UK time Pacific VIRTUAL MASCULINITY DISCUSSION GROUP- open to paid subscribers- details below.

October 20th- Happy Women Dinners Brunch in Palo Alto, in conversation with

Brooke Warner

- 12pm-2pm held in a private home- tickets include a delicious brunch, signed copy of Boymom as well as a book talk and discussion in a more intimate setting. Email jill@happywomendinners.com for info and tickets.

November 3rd- Happy Women Dinners Brunch in LA in conversation with

Paulina porizkova

. 12pm-2pm held in a private home- includes brunch and book as above- Email jill@happywomendinners.com for info and tickets.

(more events to follow later in the year- details on my website)

NEW ESSAY AT THE NEW YORK TIMES

Today I have a new piece in the New York Times called, We Can do Better than Positive Masculinity. It’s about how the whole “positive masculinity” framework - intended as a counter to toxic masculinity- actually ends up reinforcing stereotypes rather than challenging them. I write:

…..There is a lurking sexism in the whole positive masculinity conceit. If we have to attach the label “masculine” to a behavior before it can have value to men, then we are subtly communicating that embracing anything associated with women is a demotion, even an indignity. “Positive masculinity” is not about de-gendering universal human qualities, and certainly not about encouraging boys to believe that they could have something to learn from women or female cultural norms. It’s more an attempt to scrub away the humiliating stain of womanhood from any trait or behavior before letting boys anywhere near it.

While the implication is certainly demeaning to girls and women, the main psychological harms of this model are to men and boys themselves. These attempts to expand the definition of what can be considered masculine end up reinforcing the idea that masculinity itself is sacrosanct, so fundamental to male worth that boys must never abandon it altogether.

But it is the pressures of masculinity — the constant insistence that there is such a thing as a “real man” and the cold dread of falling short — that is at the root of many of boys’ problems in the first place, making them more insecure and anxious, emotionally repressed and socially isolated.

As research for my book “Boymom,” I interviewed boys from many situations and backgrounds, and this fear showed up keenly. Masculinity didn’t seem to be so much a source of pride for them as a nagging cause of anxiety. The boys told me either explicitly or implicitly about how the pressure to meet some unattainable standard for manliness weighed on them, forcing them into a kind of posturing rigidity and creating a constant background level of fear.

The pressure to be tough and masculine came from all sides — from social media and movies, from parents (especially fathers) and teachers and peers. “I have it ingrained in me that I have something to prove at all times,” as one 20-year-old described it. “There’s a feeling of never being enough.” (A couple of years previously, this young man had shattered a vertebra lifting weights in an attempt to achieve the kind of hyper-muscled physique he had seen from masculinity influencers on social media.)

You can read the rest here. It’s provoked a “lively” discussion in the comment section which you can enjoy with a cup of tea and a side of bafflement or schadefreude … feel free to weigh in there or here. I’d love to hear from you.

MASCULINITY DISCUSSION GROUP!

And if you have thoughts on any of this (positive, negative or neutral) The whole idea of “Positive Masculinity” and whether it reinforces or breaks harmful patterns when it comes to raising the next generation of boys- will be the loose theme for our first zoom masculinity discussion group! (although I anticipate the discussion will go off in many directions related to raising boys in this fraught cultural moment, masculinity, male mental health, feminism, our own conflicted and complex feelings about it all and the rest.) Many of you said that you would be up for this group and the majority of you said a weekday during the day would work best. So the first iteration of this will be on Wednesday October 16th at 11am Pacific/ 2pm Eastern 7pm UK. (NOTE THIS IS A TIME CHANGE - ORIGINAL TIME WAS 10am Pacific)

This group is open not just to #boymoms but also to men, dads, parents of girls, non parents, actual boys (!) and anyone who is interested in gender, feminism and the future of humanity. ) I hope this will be a judgement-free chance to really think critically about these issues and to discuss them in good faith. Because of the time involved in planning and running these types of groups, this is open to paid subscribers only (monthly or annual- feel free to cancel at any time) to attend.

and if this is financially prohibitive, but you would still like to be part of the conversation, email me and I will upgrade you for free, no questions asked. Look forward to seeing you there- please let me know if you intend to come so I can plan accordingly!

And in the meantime, if you want to read more about boyhood, gender, masculinity and what it means to be a boy and raise a boy in this fraught cultural moment from someone who is currently in the thick of it with three boys of my own, why not pick up a copy of my book, Boymom- Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity.