Beautifully written, as always! And so completely on-point. I was thinking the other day that if the movie Inside Out took place inside of a Boomer or Gen X boy’s head and reflected the way most men now were raised, his feelings or different parts would all be severed from one another. The feelings wouldn’t all live together at the same control panel, they’d all be stuck in their own individual cement cells, thickly spackled and sealed in shame. Anger and insecurity would stand freely at the helm, of course. As the mom of a 9 year old sensitive boy, I desperately hope for a more integrated sequel, free of the shame spackle that is keeping so many of today’s men stuck. 💔
Thank you for your ongoing work in elevating and clarifying this issue! It gives me hope that we are moving steadily toward a future where boys and men are allowed access to their full humanity. 💗
But Ruth, where are you on internet pornography? That’s where the virulent rising misogyny is coming from. It’s conspicuous by its absence in your writing.
I could have saved you hundreds of therapy $$$ & some worry ;) As mom of 4 sons who has also written about boys, I think it's imperative for us adults to interrogate our reactions to boys' "violence." We have to look it it through boys' lens, not just our own. And we need to look at how our own gender expectations and stereotypes influence our reactions. Karate is karate, but for girls, we consider it empowering & healthy to develop battle & defense skills, & for boys, it's concerning and needed to tame tendency to violence? Maybe humans of all sexes and genders need outlets, skills, and empowerment.
Yeah - this one is such a tricky one because obviously men DO commit the vast majority (90%??) of violent crimes so it isn't quite the same. But yes definitely agree that we all need outlets and skills and ways to feel empowered for sure. Thank you for all your work and advocacy in this area.
This is riveting, Ruth—and that magazine’s loss. You made me laugh out loud and also groan with recognition (I feel that neutered bleating constantly!) The only thing i disagree with is that the premise is mostly accepted—There are so many women doing patriarchy’s bidding. Brilliant piece!
Thanks so much Jo-Ann! Truly appreciate it…and yes you are right re women and patriarchy. I do think that the Overton window on feminism has shifted massively since I was a kid but yes so many women (and men) taking us backwards. Thanks again for these lovely words.
"Ultimately it is not masculinity itself that makes men violent, generally but the shame that they are falling short, that they are not masculine enough." The two are inseparable. Masculinity is gender which is the pressure to perform and the shame of always falling short.
Thanks Cathy. Yes for sure, although I think the relationship between femininity and shame is slightly different perhaps? Pondering it! Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Beautifully written, as always! And so completely on-point. I was thinking the other day that if the movie Inside Out took place inside of a Boomer or Gen X boy’s head and reflected the way most men now were raised, his feelings or different parts would all be severed from one another. The feelings wouldn’t all live together at the same control panel, they’d all be stuck in their own individual cement cells, thickly spackled and sealed in shame. Anger and insecurity would stand freely at the helm, of course. As the mom of a 9 year old sensitive boy, I desperately hope for a more integrated sequel, free of the shame spackle that is keeping so many of today’s men stuck. 💔
Thank you for your ongoing work in elevating and clarifying this issue! It gives me hope that we are moving steadily toward a future where boys and men are allowed access to their full humanity. 💗
thank you so much Courtney- and what a powerful image!
But Ruth, where are you on internet pornography? That’s where the virulent rising misogyny is coming from. It’s conspicuous by its absence in your writing.
i wrote a long thing about this in the sex chapter in Boymom…
In case you missed it:
https://www.thenation.com/article/society/supreme-court-porn-free-speech/
Ok I read about 17 free pages on good reads lol I will do my research!
You actually don’t know how much it means that you liked that comment. We are terrorizing these kids!
I could have saved you hundreds of therapy $$$ & some worry ;) As mom of 4 sons who has also written about boys, I think it's imperative for us adults to interrogate our reactions to boys' "violence." We have to look it it through boys' lens, not just our own. And we need to look at how our own gender expectations and stereotypes influence our reactions. Karate is karate, but for girls, we consider it empowering & healthy to develop battle & defense skills, & for boys, it's concerning and needed to tame tendency to violence? Maybe humans of all sexes and genders need outlets, skills, and empowerment.
Yeah - this one is such a tricky one because obviously men DO commit the vast majority (90%??) of violent crimes so it isn't quite the same. But yes definitely agree that we all need outlets and skills and ways to feel empowered for sure. Thank you for all your work and advocacy in this area.
This is riveting, Ruth—and that magazine’s loss. You made me laugh out loud and also groan with recognition (I feel that neutered bleating constantly!) The only thing i disagree with is that the premise is mostly accepted—There are so many women doing patriarchy’s bidding. Brilliant piece!
Thanks so much Jo-Ann! Truly appreciate it…and yes you are right re women and patriarchy. I do think that the Overton window on feminism has shifted massively since I was a kid but yes so many women (and men) taking us backwards. Thanks again for these lovely words.
This really made me think, not only on the concept it presented but on the writing itself. Thanks for making me think deeply. I love it.
thank you so much- that’s lovely to hear!
"Ultimately it is not masculinity itself that makes men violent, generally but the shame that they are falling short, that they are not masculine enough." The two are inseparable. Masculinity is gender which is the pressure to perform and the shame of always falling short.
Thanks Cathy. Yes for sure, although I think the relationship between femininity and shame is slightly different perhaps? Pondering it! Thanks so much for reading and commenting.